Crushed
by jjcrimminds
Summary: And even though, on her first day back, she should want to go straight to the bullpen to see her team that she had been away from for so long, she bypassed it entirely. No, she only had one destination in mind.


**A/N: This is set at the beginning of season 7, before Emily returns, but after JJ comes back as a profiler. Also, as for the reference to Strauss leaving Afghanistan, that was just a little something I added in to make this fic work.**

 **As for my other story that is currently in progress,** _ **The Past is Never Forgotten**_ **, don't worry, I'm not abandoning it. I will update sometime in the near future. I just had to get this one out. I also have other stories in progress, and a whole list of ones that I will be writing.**

 **As always, thank you to all who read and/or review.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds.**

It was her first day back in the BAU since she had been transferred. Except now, she had a different job description. JJ was now a profiler, and no longer carried the duties of a communications liaison.

And even though, on her first day back, she should want to go straight to the bullpen to see her team that she had been away from for so long, she bypassed it entirely.

No, she only had one destination in mind.

JJ walked briskly down the halls, her pace never faltering. When she reached the first door, she yanked it open and walked right in, ignoring the shouts of the secretary that was telling her that she couldn't go in there.

 _Like hell._ JJ thought. Nothing would keep her from entering that room.

With no hesitation, she opened the last door that stood between her and the one person that she had waited so long to confront.

When she entered the room, the person sitting behind the desk looked up, startled at the sudden intrusion.

"Agent Jareau, who let you in-"Chief Strauss was cut off.

"You bitch." JJ spoke, her words sharp in the air of the office that had gone silent.

Strauss looked at her, taken aback by the young woman's tone. "Agent Jareau, how dare you speak to me in that tone of voice?"

"How dare I? How dare you! You told me that I would get better hours at the DOD, practically a nine to five job! What, so I could spend more time with my family? When in reality you ship me off to the Middle East so that I don't get to see my husband and son for months at a time! How exactly does that add up to 'spending more time with my family'?" JJ spoke sharply, her fists clenched at her sides.

Strauss was shocked into silence. She had expected some sort of retaliation to the circumstances of Agent Jareau's transfer, but not a direct verbal confrontation. "Agent Jareau, I had to do whatever I could to convince you to take the job. And I hardly think that you need to yell at me."

JJ let out an unamused laugh. "Convince me? Since when does "convincing" equal forcing me to take a job that I didn't want?"

Strauss was becoming angry at how an agent of lower rank was treating her. "Once again, you need to check your attitude, Agent Jareau. And I'll have you know that your transfer was for the good of the bureau."

JJ was amazed at how self-absorbed and callous this woman could be. "For the good of the bureau. Huh. Doesn't sound familiar. But you know, making yourself look good certainly rings a bell." She spit back.

Strauss stood up angrily behind her desk. "Agent Jareau, I am one step away from suspending you indefinitely." She said in a threatening tone.

But it didn't faze JJ. "Go ahead. Suspend me. Like that would solve anything. Of course, you always did take the easy way out. Just like Afghanistan. When things get tough, you leave and let other people clean up the mess."

Strauss's face flushed crimson. "Agent Jareau, you are out of line. Why I left Afghanistan is none of your business."

When JJ stood there silently for several minutes, just staring, Strauss thought that the woman was finally going to let it go.

"Do you even know what happened?" There was no anger in JJ's voice this time, just resignation and defeat. Strauss was taken aback at the sudden change in atmosphere.

"Of course I do. I _did_ read the file after trail went cold on Askari after his betrayal." Strauss replied, wondering where this was going.

JJ just shook her head sadly. "You don't get it. There's always more to a case then what's on paper, Strauss."

Chief Strauss had just about had it with this woman. "Care to inform me, then?" she said sarcastically.

JJ shook her head again, lowering it for a moment. When she raised her eyes again, Strauss was surprised to see tears in the woman's eyes. "If you hadn't pushed me into it, if you hadn't forced me to take a job that I didn't want, none of this would've ever happened." There was no heat to her words.

Strauss had had it with the riddles. "And what, exactly, has happened?" She asked JJ, her usual bitter attitude coating her words.

"I miscarried."

The words were barely audible. Strauss wasn't sure she had heard the woman correctly. "What?"

JJ looked up to glare at Strauss. "I miscarried. Because you sent me overseas!" she yelled.

Strauss blinked, trying to understand why JJ thought it was her fault. "Why would me sending you overseas cause you to miscarry?"

JJ shook her head. "Because I was only in Afghanistan because _you_ sent me there! You didn't even give me a choice! If you hadn't forced me to go, I would never have been in that situation in the first place. I would've had a daughter." JJ whispered the last part.

Instead of sympathetic, Strauss got angrier. "Well maybe you should've had the common sense to leave a war zone if you knew you were pregnant! If this is anyone's fault, it's yours, Agent Jareau!" she yelled, not really thinking about what she was saying.

JJ choked back a sob. She turned away, and covered her face with her hand, trying to control the tears that were threatening to fall.

As soon as she said the words, Strauss immediately felt guilty. What had possessed her to be so callous to a woman who was obviously in a lot of pain? When had she grown so cold? "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that, Jennifer."

When JJ turned back, Strauss could see the tears glistening in her eyes. "You know the worst part? You're right. As much as I want to blame you, I can't. Because it was my fault. I made the choice to stay with the operation when I knew how dangerous it was. And when the time came, I couldn't even protect my own baby." A single tear made its way down her face.

Strauss felt the burning of tears. She wasn't an emotional woman by far, so it was surprising. "Jennifer, I am truly sorry about your baby. About everything. I never intended for anything like this to happen."

JJ shook her head. "No, I'm sorry. I never should've come in here and accuse you of something that was in no way your fault when clearly, it was my own. I'd understand if you want me to resign." She dropped her head, looking at the ground.

"I have no intention of doing any such thing. As far as I'm concerned, this little confrontation never happened." Strauss said, sincerely meaning it.

JJ looked her superior in the eye. "Thank you, Ma'am. I guess I should get going then." As she turned to leave, Strauss spoke.

"And Agent Jareau?"

JJ turned around. "Yes?" Strauss's eyes roamed over the face of the obviously distraught woman. "Take care of yourself." JJ nodded and left, quietly closing the door behind her.

She walked out of the office, past the secretary who had most likely heard the whole yelled conversation, her pace much slower than before.

As much as she wanted to blame Strauss, she couldn't, because it was no one's fault but her own, and she would have to live with that guilt for the rest of her life. Every day, every hour, every second she breathed, she would carry that weight with her. Every time she looked into her husband's eyes that were so hopeful for another baby, or her son's eyes every time he asked when he was getting a little brother or sister, that weight would continue to grow.

One day, it would crush her.

 **A/N: Thank you for reading and please review!**


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